So here we are again, on the Eve of Resolutions. The eve of when we all sit down and reflect on the past year and decide how we want to better our lives and ourselves. Here are a list of resolutions I have made for myself for the upcoming year. And yes, I did say resolutionS, because that way when I break one of them, which is inevitable, I still have more left on my list.
1) To make this the year where I take my health back. I intend on making this weight issue a non-issue for next years list. I am going to leave that quite open ended so that I can achieve success on it. I know I have a lot of weight to lose, but if I work on 10 lbs then I am keeping my resolution alive.
2) Make my kids #3 in my life. Now you are all reading that saying, "How could a good mother not put her kids first, what an awful person!!", but I am looking at it like this, if I don't put myself first and let myself not feel the enormous guilt I feel from raising my kids, how can I become a better parent. That is not to say that I am going to ignore my kids, because for any of you that know me, you know that I am the Queen of finding the free things for the kids to do on the weekends. It means that if I decide to take an afternoon to go shopping and NOT go tobogganing, I will, and not feel guilty about it. (this may end up being the one I break first)
3) Make a decision on the job situation. I have been supply teaching with this board since 2004, I have given my heart and all I have to this job, however it is time to make a decision. I am 35 years old and not working full time in my chosen field, not where I expected to be at this time in my life. I need to have that career, I need to know that my family and myself will be alright if anything was to ever happen. I don't have that with supply teaching. So this is the year that I decide if I have to give up my dream. A lot of soul searching will have to go on for this one.
4) Smile more and feel stress less. I know that if I can work on any of the above, even just a little, that I will be able to keep this one for sure!!
So to all my friends and family, here's to a new year.....THE YEAR OF ME!!!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
All I Can do is Keep Breathing
I recently read a friends blog in which she was talking about this artist that she liked, the name of the artist has eluded me, however her song keeps replaying over and over in my head. Not even the entire song, just the chorus. The song is called Keep Breathing. I guess in my life that is what I feel I can do, and do well, keep breathing.
Ever heard of the old saying, "there is always someone else who is worse off than you"? I agree, there is always someone else who has it worse than I do at this very moment in time. Someone has a life that no one would ever want to live, or is going through a situation that no one would ever want to go through. However, at times when you are dealing with things, it doesn't matter what anyone else is going through, you just need to keep breathing and worry about you and your life. So that is what I plan on doing, not worrying about everyone else and their worries, or the impending layoff, or the lack of money, or illnesses, or behaviours that need to be modified, or weight that needs to be lost. I am going to keep breathing!!!
Ever heard of the old saying, "there is always someone else who is worse off than you"? I agree, there is always someone else who has it worse than I do at this very moment in time. Someone has a life that no one would ever want to live, or is going through a situation that no one would ever want to go through. However, at times when you are dealing with things, it doesn't matter what anyone else is going through, you just need to keep breathing and worry about you and your life. So that is what I plan on doing, not worrying about everyone else and their worries, or the impending layoff, or the lack of money, or illnesses, or behaviours that need to be modified, or weight that needs to be lost. I am going to keep breathing!!!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I guess I need a Bigger Boat
Gaining weight is fun, losing the weight and the emotional impact that it has on you, is not. Again in this world of a yo yo dieting that I live in, the weight has come back on.
It is not like I didn't know that it was. You cannot go to fast food restaurants and not expect yourself to gain weight. You know that it is coming. The pants feel tighter, but you still have some of the pairs in the back of the closet that you swore you would never fit into again ("I will never wear that size again"). The shirts are shorter. I am not sure how my shirts got shorter when I gained weight, I understood how they were tighter, but not shorter, but somehow they were. In the beginning people ask you if you have lost weight, they know you look different, and assume that you have lost, but in reality you look different cause of the 20 lbs you have put on.
So why after you work so hard to take it off do you put it back on? Man I wish I had the answer to that question because if I did I would be a millionaire. What I do know is that most of us when we lose weight, put it, and usually more, back on.
I listen to programs on television that make it seem like the easiest thing in the world to lose weight, just stop eating! Well now there is a novel idea, if it was so easy then we would all be skinny. The problem with that is that, we HAVE to eat. Having an eating habit, which is what I call it, is similar to a drug habit, or a smoking habit, the only difference is that you can live without cigarettes and drugs, you cannot live without food. So that makes it extremely difficult to combat this problem.
There are so many times I have seen on a television shows where people are talking about what made themselves overweight, they were abused or had some other traumatic thing happen to them. I can understand that to a point. But me? I grew up in a happy home, with no abuse or neglect. So why is it that I eat to the point of obesity? I wish I had the answer to that question.
So again I go on the tangled web of weight loss. I know I need to stop with the excuses, "Not this week cause I have this.", or "Oh I cheated today so I mine as well cheat big time" Excuses, excuses, and more excuses. That is one thing that I am actually good at. So I am trying to figure out how I can do this, this time for the last time. I know I need to have a weigh in to be accountable to someone, other than myself. So if any of you who read this want to join me on this journey, feel free to leave a message and maybe we can do this together, cause I know I am not alone out there.
Needing a bigger boat for this journey......
It is not like I didn't know that it was. You cannot go to fast food restaurants and not expect yourself to gain weight. You know that it is coming. The pants feel tighter, but you still have some of the pairs in the back of the closet that you swore you would never fit into again ("I will never wear that size again"). The shirts are shorter. I am not sure how my shirts got shorter when I gained weight, I understood how they were tighter, but not shorter, but somehow they were. In the beginning people ask you if you have lost weight, they know you look different, and assume that you have lost, but in reality you look different cause of the 20 lbs you have put on.
So why after you work so hard to take it off do you put it back on? Man I wish I had the answer to that question because if I did I would be a millionaire. What I do know is that most of us when we lose weight, put it, and usually more, back on.
I listen to programs on television that make it seem like the easiest thing in the world to lose weight, just stop eating! Well now there is a novel idea, if it was so easy then we would all be skinny. The problem with that is that, we HAVE to eat. Having an eating habit, which is what I call it, is similar to a drug habit, or a smoking habit, the only difference is that you can live without cigarettes and drugs, you cannot live without food. So that makes it extremely difficult to combat this problem.
There are so many times I have seen on a television shows where people are talking about what made themselves overweight, they were abused or had some other traumatic thing happen to them. I can understand that to a point. But me? I grew up in a happy home, with no abuse or neglect. So why is it that I eat to the point of obesity? I wish I had the answer to that question.
So again I go on the tangled web of weight loss. I know I need to stop with the excuses, "Not this week cause I have this.", or "Oh I cheated today so I mine as well cheat big time" Excuses, excuses, and more excuses. That is one thing that I am actually good at. So I am trying to figure out how I can do this, this time for the last time. I know I need to have a weigh in to be accountable to someone, other than myself. So if any of you who read this want to join me on this journey, feel free to leave a message and maybe we can do this together, cause I know I am not alone out there.
Needing a bigger boat for this journey......
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Who are We?
Mother, friend, daughter, wife, teacher......
When I sat and thought about who I am, just right now, I wrote down what came to mind. No writing it, erasing it, putting something else down, changing the order, I just wrote as it came to mind. Then I read it back and something came to me, no where on my list did I put NICOLE.
Then it quickly came to me, this is the order I put myself in, first a mother, then a friend, and on and on. But why am I not on that list of priority? Why does everyone else come before myself? Why don't I put myself on that list? I did not even realize that I was not on the list until I read it back. Is it because I am not important? Can't be, because without ME, I could not be the mother, friend, daughter, wife and teacher.
Too many times when we become adults, and I mean true adults, not "I'm 20 so I am an adult" adult, we lose who we are, and become everyone else. This is not a fast process either. It is not like one day we wake up and say, "OK now I am a mother, so I come second". These things seem to come and sneak up on us, without us realizing it. That is until someone points it out.
So I am pointing it out to all my awesome friends, family and friends-to-come, YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!! Put yourself at the top of that list, realize your importance in this world, cause without you in it, I could not be the person I am.......NICOLE!!!!
Paddling along........
When I sat and thought about who I am, just right now, I wrote down what came to mind. No writing it, erasing it, putting something else down, changing the order, I just wrote as it came to mind. Then I read it back and something came to me, no where on my list did I put NICOLE.
Then it quickly came to me, this is the order I put myself in, first a mother, then a friend, and on and on. But why am I not on that list of priority? Why does everyone else come before myself? Why don't I put myself on that list? I did not even realize that I was not on the list until I read it back. Is it because I am not important? Can't be, because without ME, I could not be the mother, friend, daughter, wife and teacher.
Too many times when we become adults, and I mean true adults, not "I'm 20 so I am an adult" adult, we lose who we are, and become everyone else. This is not a fast process either. It is not like one day we wake up and say, "OK now I am a mother, so I come second". These things seem to come and sneak up on us, without us realizing it. That is until someone points it out.
So I am pointing it out to all my awesome friends, family and friends-to-come, YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!! Put yourself at the top of that list, realize your importance in this world, cause without you in it, I could not be the person I am.......NICOLE!!!!
Paddling along........
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Life is Precious
These past few weeks have been tough emotionally on me, I have watched my best friend lose her grandfather to old age and her father to cancer, all within 2 days of each other. It has really made me think a lot about life and all it has to offer. I have watched the letters of sympathy come pouring in for him, and them. I have read about how wonderful a man, friend, brother, son and husband he was. As I read all of these messages I thought, how often we don't say those things to people when they are alive, we wait until they are gone. Why do we wait? As human beings we all like to hear nice things about ourselves or something we have done, so why don't we do it more?
I read about the pages that turn up on Facebook when someone dies unexpectedly. When you read them the condolences usually follow with something positive that they remember about that person. Did that person know they thought that about them? Probably not and that's a shame.
So I have made a decision, I am going to let those people in my life know how much they mean to me, NOW! I am going to tell them the positive things they have brought to my life, and why I am who I am because of them. It might be someone I just met, or a friend I have known for years. Whether it is a note or a phone call I am going to let those people know that they are important to me.
Therefore friends, watch your mailboxes, cause if you are reading this then you are someone who cares enough about me to read my thoughts, so you can be sure that because of that, you make my life better.
Paddling down that river called life.......
I read about the pages that turn up on Facebook when someone dies unexpectedly. When you read them the condolences usually follow with something positive that they remember about that person. Did that person know they thought that about them? Probably not and that's a shame.
So I have made a decision, I am going to let those people in my life know how much they mean to me, NOW! I am going to tell them the positive things they have brought to my life, and why I am who I am because of them. It might be someone I just met, or a friend I have known for years. Whether it is a note or a phone call I am going to let those people know that they are important to me.
Therefore friends, watch your mailboxes, cause if you are reading this then you are someone who cares enough about me to read my thoughts, so you can be sure that because of that, you make my life better.
Paddling down that river called life.......
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Scam
The other day as I went to the mail box to get what I though for sure was just more bills, but I got a pleasant surprise. There waiting for me was a little Canada Post package tag waiting for me. I felt like a college student again as I got a letter in the mail saying I had a package to pick up at the post office. Oh what could it be? As I flipped the sheet over it said that I owed $1.29 in postage to receive it. I must admit I got a little more excited about this because I knew it had to be something somebody sent, because I figured that a company would ensure that they got the right postage so that I got their "important" credit card information.
So off Bruce went to get the letter from the post office. I told him to call me as soon as he got it because the anticipation was killing me. I know this sounds pathetic that a letter brought that much excitement, but it did. Bruce calls me when he gets back to the car, and here is how the conversation went:
"What is is?" I ask.
"A thank you card," he says.
"What? Why did we have to pay $1.29 for a thank you card?"
"Because they forgot to put a stamp on it before mailing it."
"Oh, but wait, isn't a stamp only $0.57?"
"Yep, but if they forget to put a stamp on YOU get charged DOUBLE to get the letter"
Are you serious Canada Post?! I get a letter that SOMEONE else forgot to put a stamp on, and I get charged DOUBLE to get it. That has to be the biggest scam I have heard of. I have to go and pick up the letter myself, and I get charged double. There really has to be something illegal about this. Canada post already charges us enough to mail a letter and now this. I see why I am using email more and more. And what makes me even more mad, is that I don't even get the mail at my house, I have to go to a box at the end of my street to pick it up. So in essence I had to walk to get my mail, drive to get a letter and then PAY to pick it up. Who is making money here!
So off Bruce went to get the letter from the post office. I told him to call me as soon as he got it because the anticipation was killing me. I know this sounds pathetic that a letter brought that much excitement, but it did. Bruce calls me when he gets back to the car, and here is how the conversation went:
"What is is?" I ask.
"A thank you card," he says.
"What? Why did we have to pay $1.29 for a thank you card?"
"Because they forgot to put a stamp on it before mailing it."
"Oh, but wait, isn't a stamp only $0.57?"
"Yep, but if they forget to put a stamp on YOU get charged DOUBLE to get the letter"
Are you serious Canada Post?! I get a letter that SOMEONE else forgot to put a stamp on, and I get charged DOUBLE to get it. That has to be the biggest scam I have heard of. I have to go and pick up the letter myself, and I get charged double. There really has to be something illegal about this. Canada post already charges us enough to mail a letter and now this. I see why I am using email more and more. And what makes me even more mad, is that I don't even get the mail at my house, I have to go to a box at the end of my street to pick it up. So in essence I had to walk to get my mail, drive to get a letter and then PAY to pick it up. Who is making money here!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Disappointment
Have you ever been wanting something so bad that you cannot help but get yourself excited that it might happen, only to turn around and have that pulled out from within your fingertip grasp? Yah, it is not fun at all.
They say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, but I wonder why I am not one of the strongest women out there. Now don't get me wrong, I have had a wonderful life, had a great childhood where I really did not want for anything, a family that loves me, and wonderful friends, so I have it better than many people out there. However disappointment on the career front is getting me down. How can you want something so bad and not be able to attain it? How can you have to consider giving up a career that you were meant to do?
Well I guess since my waiting ended in a negative phone call, I will continue on with my journey and see where it takes me. And you know what, I guess I will be one strong women when I get to the end.
Keep on paddling with me on this journey......
They say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, but I wonder why I am not one of the strongest women out there. Now don't get me wrong, I have had a wonderful life, had a great childhood where I really did not want for anything, a family that loves me, and wonderful friends, so I have it better than many people out there. However disappointment on the career front is getting me down. How can you want something so bad and not be able to attain it? How can you have to consider giving up a career that you were meant to do?
Well I guess since my waiting ended in a negative phone call, I will continue on with my journey and see where it takes me. And you know what, I guess I will be one strong women when I get to the end.
Keep on paddling with me on this journey......
Friday, August 27, 2010
Waiting......
I feel like I am in high school again waiting for that boy to call. Sitting with the phone on my lap, taking the phone everywhere with me (even the bathroom), getting butterflies in my stomach every time the phone rings (only to have it be a telemarketer). I had an interview yesterday for a long term teaching job that I really really really really really want, and they said they would call today or Monday.
So here I sit, waiting for the phone to ring, trying to keep my thoughts in check and my brain from not blowing up from anticipation. Here was a conversation I had with myself this morning, all in the span of 2 minutes;
"Well it is 9:30 and they haven't called so I must not have got the job. "
"They are in the office at 9 and they would have had their mind made up by then so that must mean that it wasn't me."
"But maybe they are calling those not successful first and then those who got the job so maybe that means that I got the job."
"Well what happens if I don't get a call today, they did say it could be Monday, so maybe there is still a chance."
On and on the conversation went. And then I realized that I didn't ask if they were going to call everyone, successful and not. So a new conversation started.
Oh the waiting is not fun........
The journey continues.......
So here I sit, waiting for the phone to ring, trying to keep my thoughts in check and my brain from not blowing up from anticipation. Here was a conversation I had with myself this morning, all in the span of 2 minutes;
"Well it is 9:30 and they haven't called so I must not have got the job. "
"They are in the office at 9 and they would have had their mind made up by then so that must mean that it wasn't me."
"But maybe they are calling those not successful first and then those who got the job so maybe that means that I got the job."
"Well what happens if I don't get a call today, they did say it could be Monday, so maybe there is still a chance."
On and on the conversation went. And then I realized that I didn't ask if they were going to call everyone, successful and not. So a new conversation started.
Oh the waiting is not fun........
The journey continues.......
Thursday, August 19, 2010
10 Things that Annoy Me
1) Don't put something as your Facebook update that is targeted towards one person, and try to be sneaky about it. If I am the one that cancelled and you are upset about it, TELL ME, don't say, "If one more person cancels then blah blah blah..."
2) If we are in a busy parking lot, or a busy road and I let you in, JUST WAVE to acknowledge that I did something that I didn't have to do, but wanted to. Not too much to ask.
3) If you make a commitment to something, keep it.
4) I am not your free babysitter, don't send your child down to my house everyday expecting that I am going to feed her and let her in when it rains. I have 2 kids to raise on my own.
5) I will admit that as a teacher I get paid very well, and have some pretty great holidays. However, to those of you who think it is easy, that we are overpaid, and have too many holidays, just come and be a teacher for one day. (I will even make you the lesson plans). In one day of teaching I have had, 37 kids in one classroom. 10 of them have their own education plan so I change every lesson 10 different ways to ensure that each child gets the best education possible. I have 2 on medication so I am a nurse administering meds . I have 1 with an allergy so I must ensure that there are no nuts or nut products in all of those lunches. I am a psychologist to the child who is having troubles at home (it doesn't get left at the door you know). I am a dietitian ensuring that each child gets something to eat so they can learn to the best of their abilities. I am a disciplinarian to 37 wonderful kids who all have different and unique personalities, and don't always get along. All of this gets done BEFORE they even sit down for their first lesson of the day.
6) Pull over for an EMS vehicle when they are speeding behind you with their lights on!!! Come on people it is not a hard thing to do and will NOT cause you to be late.
7) Do not tell me how I am parenting wrong or look at me strangely in the mall when I have to reprimand my child. There is NOT a perfect child out there, or a perfect parent for that matter.
8) People thinking that everything in the world is black or white and cannot believe that there are times when things are GREY!! There are times when the answer cannot be yes or no, but a maybe will have to do, that is OK!
9) Don't say mean things about me behind my back, and when I confront you about them you will not acknowledge that you said them. Own up to the things you say or don't say them at all.
10) Getting red lights when you are in a rush, and green all the time when you have no place in particular to go.
I hope that you can relate to some of these, and if not then, don't do #9. The journey continues......
2) If we are in a busy parking lot, or a busy road and I let you in, JUST WAVE to acknowledge that I did something that I didn't have to do, but wanted to. Not too much to ask.
3) If you make a commitment to something, keep it.
4) I am not your free babysitter, don't send your child down to my house everyday expecting that I am going to feed her and let her in when it rains. I have 2 kids to raise on my own.
5) I will admit that as a teacher I get paid very well, and have some pretty great holidays. However, to those of you who think it is easy, that we are overpaid, and have too many holidays, just come and be a teacher for one day. (I will even make you the lesson plans). In one day of teaching I have had, 37 kids in one classroom. 10 of them have their own education plan so I change every lesson 10 different ways to ensure that each child gets the best education possible. I have 2 on medication so I am a nurse administering meds . I have 1 with an allergy so I must ensure that there are no nuts or nut products in all of those lunches. I am a psychologist to the child who is having troubles at home (it doesn't get left at the door you know). I am a dietitian ensuring that each child gets something to eat so they can learn to the best of their abilities. I am a disciplinarian to 37 wonderful kids who all have different and unique personalities, and don't always get along. All of this gets done BEFORE they even sit down for their first lesson of the day.
6) Pull over for an EMS vehicle when they are speeding behind you with their lights on!!! Come on people it is not a hard thing to do and will NOT cause you to be late.
7) Do not tell me how I am parenting wrong or look at me strangely in the mall when I have to reprimand my child. There is NOT a perfect child out there, or a perfect parent for that matter.
8) People thinking that everything in the world is black or white and cannot believe that there are times when things are GREY!! There are times when the answer cannot be yes or no, but a maybe will have to do, that is OK!
9) Don't say mean things about me behind my back, and when I confront you about them you will not acknowledge that you said them. Own up to the things you say or don't say them at all.
10) Getting red lights when you are in a rush, and green all the time when you have no place in particular to go.
I hope that you can relate to some of these, and if not then, don't do #9. The journey continues......
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Getting Old Sucks
Have you ever been good at something and took pride in it? Pride in the fact that others also thought you were good, good enough that they wanted you to do what you were good at for them? Well that was me at slo-pitch, I used to be a good ball player, but as the years pass that talent is waining, and I DON"T like it.
Now I am not bragging that I was awesome, or the best, but I have to say that I was good. I could hit the ball well, and if it was hit to me, most likely I would catch it. But lately it seems that the ability is disappearing at an alarming rate.
I used to be someone who you would ask to play on your team if you were short or were playing in a tournament, not anymore. It hurts too that I am no longer that person. This was the one thing that I could do, and I felt pride in my ability, now it feels like there is not a lot left to feel proud about.
Now I know it seems like I am over dramatizing this, after all it is JUST baseball, but to me it is something I could do regardless of my size. I could play ball, AND be fat! Now I can't play ball so all that leaves is that I am fat.
So what do I do, whine and cry about it? Ok a little bit of that yes. Quit? NOPE! I guess I will just have to go out there and be a fat baseball player. Even if the talent is leaving, and my frustration grows, it just takes one good hit for me to remember that "good" ball player I once was, and know I am still in there somewhere. Even if I am not what I once was, I love the game, made some great friends playing it, and will still go out there and try to find that inner ball player that I know is just waiting to come out. So if you are short and want a fat ball player who has an inner talent just waiting to come out again, give me call!
Now I am not bragging that I was awesome, or the best, but I have to say that I was good. I could hit the ball well, and if it was hit to me, most likely I would catch it. But lately it seems that the ability is disappearing at an alarming rate.
I used to be someone who you would ask to play on your team if you were short or were playing in a tournament, not anymore. It hurts too that I am no longer that person. This was the one thing that I could do, and I felt pride in my ability, now it feels like there is not a lot left to feel proud about.
Now I know it seems like I am over dramatizing this, after all it is JUST baseball, but to me it is something I could do regardless of my size. I could play ball, AND be fat! Now I can't play ball so all that leaves is that I am fat.
So what do I do, whine and cry about it? Ok a little bit of that yes. Quit? NOPE! I guess I will just have to go out there and be a fat baseball player. Even if the talent is leaving, and my frustration grows, it just takes one good hit for me to remember that "good" ball player I once was, and know I am still in there somewhere. Even if I am not what I once was, I love the game, made some great friends playing it, and will still go out there and try to find that inner ball player that I know is just waiting to come out. So if you are short and want a fat ball player who has an inner talent just waiting to come out again, give me call!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
You're FAT!!!
When someone tells me that I have blond hair, I say, "Yes I do" (a little white lie since it is dyed blond but they don't have to know that). If they say, "You have big feet, what size are they?", I say, "Yep and it can be a pain to find shoes for these size 10 wide feet". I don't think twice about this, nor does it affect my day or mood in any way shape or form. But if someone says, "You're fat!", my whole day is ruined, in fact most times it is at least a week before it is no longer affecting my emotions. But why does this bother me so much? They are just stating a fact, I am fat.
It is no surprise to me when someone makes reference to my weight, I have been fat as long as I can remember. I remember joining Weight Watchers when I was in high school trying to attain the skinny body that some guy might like. I joined the gym in university and played on the rugby team, to become skinny. I joined Weight Watchers again when I got engaged, to be the beautiful, skinny bride. I again joined a gym after Cole was born, to become the skinny Mom. When I look at this list, my whole life has revolved around trying to become skinny. But why?
If I was 100 pounds skinnier would I be a better person? If I could run 5km, would I be a better mother? If I was skinny, would I be happier? I guess these are all questions that anyone who has any weight problem wrestles with. Would being skinny make my life better?
I guess in my mind I feel it would make me happier or I wouldn't be spending a small fortune on trying to attain this. I have lost weight, I lost 50 pounds last year, I felt great, felt wonderful, people would comment on how much I lost, but I gained some of it back again over the past year. So I guess that small glimpse of being skinny did not make me so happy after all.
The journey to weight loss, whether it be 5, 10 or 100 pounds really has to be an internal thing with yourself. You have to want it, not for the physical nature of being skinny, but for real reasons inside yourself on why you are not skinny now.
So that is the journey I am on, why have I not lost the weight I have been trying to lose for almost 20 years. I am happy that you are on this journey with me, cause lord knows I need all the love and support I can get on this voyage, it has been 20 years in the making.
It is no surprise to me when someone makes reference to my weight, I have been fat as long as I can remember. I remember joining Weight Watchers when I was in high school trying to attain the skinny body that some guy might like. I joined the gym in university and played on the rugby team, to become skinny. I joined Weight Watchers again when I got engaged, to be the beautiful, skinny bride. I again joined a gym after Cole was born, to become the skinny Mom. When I look at this list, my whole life has revolved around trying to become skinny. But why?
If I was 100 pounds skinnier would I be a better person? If I could run 5km, would I be a better mother? If I was skinny, would I be happier? I guess these are all questions that anyone who has any weight problem wrestles with. Would being skinny make my life better?
I guess in my mind I feel it would make me happier or I wouldn't be spending a small fortune on trying to attain this. I have lost weight, I lost 50 pounds last year, I felt great, felt wonderful, people would comment on how much I lost, but I gained some of it back again over the past year. So I guess that small glimpse of being skinny did not make me so happy after all.
The journey to weight loss, whether it be 5, 10 or 100 pounds really has to be an internal thing with yourself. You have to want it, not for the physical nature of being skinny, but for real reasons inside yourself on why you are not skinny now.
So that is the journey I am on, why have I not lost the weight I have been trying to lose for almost 20 years. I am happy that you are on this journey with me, cause lord knows I need all the love and support I can get on this voyage, it has been 20 years in the making.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Why is 7 years old so OLD?
I am not sure why, but Cole turning 7 has hit me harder than when I turned 30. There is really no significance to 7 years old. It is not like he is turning 10 (double digits), 13 (teenager), 16 (I cannot even tell you why 16 is so big, but apparently from all the sweet 16 parties, it must be big for some reason unknown to me), 18 (voting age), or the dreaded 19 (drinking age). But to me and my emotions lately, 7 years old just seems so......OLD!
It has made me think a lot about the parent I am, and the parent I hope to become. So many times I see on television or in magazines people blaming their parents for all their troubles as an adult. Many nights I have laid in bed and thought about what MY kids are going to say about my parenting skills when they are older. Are they going to be one of those kids who says, "I am a so and so because my parents loved me and believed in me."? Are they going to say, "I have troubles in relationships cause my parents were too hard on me"? Will it be positive, will it be negative? Can I really have complete control over it?
I know as a parent I feel lost so many times and think, there is no way my kids are going to turn out "normal", they are going to have so many issues, I have ruined their chance at a positive and strong adulthood. Then I hear a conversation like this in my house,
Jake: Mom, mom, mom, mooooommmm, moooooooommmmmmmm, mom, mom.
Me: WHAT!!!!
Jake: I love you!
How can I not feel like I am doing something right, when I hear that? Yes I do believe that we have a profound impact on our kids and how they will become productive members of society. But I also know that some of my faults as a parent will help my kids develop the skills needed to become intelligent young men .
I know I yell a lot, (too much I've been told), but so are their bosses at work, teachers in class, teammates on the ball field going to, deal with it. There is usually a reason we are all doing it, figure out the reason and see if something needs changing. And if it does, change it!
I know I do not make the best of choices at times (peanut butter in pasta, but that is for another blog), but I've taught them not to be afraid to make mistakes, learn from them.
I have spanked my child (and then felt beyond guilty after), but they won't run out onto the road again now will they.
Guilt is a huge emotion that we as parents feel so much. I think that, if we show our children that we love them unconditionally, teach them right from wrong, and give them positive role models to look to in times of need, how can they not say when they are adults, "I am who I am because of my parents!"
And the journey continues........thanks for coming along for the ride
Nicole
It has made me think a lot about the parent I am, and the parent I hope to become. So many times I see on television or in magazines people blaming their parents for all their troubles as an adult. Many nights I have laid in bed and thought about what MY kids are going to say about my parenting skills when they are older. Are they going to be one of those kids who says, "I am a so and so because my parents loved me and believed in me."? Are they going to say, "I have troubles in relationships cause my parents were too hard on me"? Will it be positive, will it be negative? Can I really have complete control over it?
I know as a parent I feel lost so many times and think, there is no way my kids are going to turn out "normal", they are going to have so many issues, I have ruined their chance at a positive and strong adulthood. Then I hear a conversation like this in my house,
Jake: Mom, mom, mom, mooooommmm, moooooooommmmmmmm, mom, mom.
Me: WHAT!!!!
Jake: I love you!
How can I not feel like I am doing something right, when I hear that? Yes I do believe that we have a profound impact on our kids and how they will become productive members of society. But I also know that some of my faults as a parent will help my kids develop the skills needed to become intelligent young men .
I know I yell a lot, (too much I've been told), but so are their bosses at work, teachers in class, teammates on the ball field going to, deal with it. There is usually a reason we are all doing it, figure out the reason and see if something needs changing. And if it does, change it!
I know I do not make the best of choices at times (peanut butter in pasta, but that is for another blog), but I've taught them not to be afraid to make mistakes, learn from them.
I have spanked my child (and then felt beyond guilty after), but they won't run out onto the road again now will they.
Guilt is a huge emotion that we as parents feel so much. I think that, if we show our children that we love them unconditionally, teach them right from wrong, and give them positive role models to look to in times of need, how can they not say when they are adults, "I am who I am because of my parents!"
And the journey continues........thanks for coming along for the ride
Nicole
Sunday, August 1, 2010
First Post......let's see where this takes us!
I have read lots of blogs and thought, I could do this, I like to talk, I have lots to say. Then I read a friend's post and began to realize that something like this might help me get some of life's frustrations out, and I might have a little fun while doing it. So here I am, writing my first blog and thinking, this is NOT as easy as it seems.
Being a teacher I go back over and over it and think of all the things I have taught my kids to do. Did you engage the reader, do you have a beginning that grabs your readers attention, etc etc etc. I decided that I am just going to talk like you are all my friends, (all being me right now), but maybe someday I might have a "follower" as it says on the side.
How can I make me interesting? From my life I am not sure I can make me seem like something you want to read, but I will try. One thing I will say is that I am going to say things like I think them, maybe not politically correct at times, but if I am thinking it, (an overweight, 34 year old, under-employed, mother of 2 rowdy boys), then someone else is also thinking it. At least I hope so.
I was born and raised in "The Soo" as we like to call it. I moved away to a small town outside Ottawa to get a teaching job when I graduated university (in 1999), and then stupidly moved back here in 2004. Stupidly I say because I forgot how hard it is to get a job in this town without certain letters in your name. I have been supply teaching ever since.
I absolutely LOVE teaching, it is my passion, my dream, my desire, and it breaks my heart to think that I might have to leave it. Unfortunately money drives us, without it we cannot eat (which in my case might be a good thing), we cannot sleep (cause our house would be the ground), we cannot function as a happy household. Being a supply teacher does not pay the bills, at least not that many of them. So at this time in my life, as I am about to turn 35, I am having to contemplate leaving the profession that I have wanted since I was 3.
I have 2 boys, one about to turn 7, and the other about to turn 4. I love them to death, but at times I would trade them in for a quieter girl. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys, but LOUD is an understatement. Any of you who read this and know me will know that I am a loud person naturally so I am not one to complain, but please just one day with no yelling. Trust me, that topic will be another days blog.
Well I guess if I still have you, thanks for reading and joining me on this journey of life.
Nicole
Being a teacher I go back over and over it and think of all the things I have taught my kids to do. Did you engage the reader, do you have a beginning that grabs your readers attention, etc etc etc. I decided that I am just going to talk like you are all my friends, (all being me right now), but maybe someday I might have a "follower" as it says on the side.
How can I make me interesting? From my life I am not sure I can make me seem like something you want to read, but I will try. One thing I will say is that I am going to say things like I think them, maybe not politically correct at times, but if I am thinking it, (an overweight, 34 year old, under-employed, mother of 2 rowdy boys), then someone else is also thinking it. At least I hope so.
I was born and raised in "The Soo" as we like to call it. I moved away to a small town outside Ottawa to get a teaching job when I graduated university (in 1999), and then stupidly moved back here in 2004. Stupidly I say because I forgot how hard it is to get a job in this town without certain letters in your name. I have been supply teaching ever since.
I absolutely LOVE teaching, it is my passion, my dream, my desire, and it breaks my heart to think that I might have to leave it. Unfortunately money drives us, without it we cannot eat (which in my case might be a good thing), we cannot sleep (cause our house would be the ground), we cannot function as a happy household. Being a supply teacher does not pay the bills, at least not that many of them. So at this time in my life, as I am about to turn 35, I am having to contemplate leaving the profession that I have wanted since I was 3.
I have 2 boys, one about to turn 7, and the other about to turn 4. I love them to death, but at times I would trade them in for a quieter girl. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys, but LOUD is an understatement. Any of you who read this and know me will know that I am a loud person naturally so I am not one to complain, but please just one day with no yelling. Trust me, that topic will be another days blog.
Well I guess if I still have you, thanks for reading and joining me on this journey of life.
Nicole
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