What goes down seems to go up again!

I never understood why people who went to all the hard work and pain and suffering ever went back to smoking, or drinking or drugs, whatever their vice is.  I mean how could they go back knowing that they are better off not using those vices?  I completely understand why now, well maybe I don't understand, but I get how easy it is.  

All my life all I have ever wanted was to be skinny.  I thought it would bring me happiness, I thought it would bring me attraction from the opposite sex, I thought I could finally make my parents proud to have the skinny daughter, I thought I would become the Mom I wanted to be.  Except you know what?  The brain doesn't work that way!

For those of you who don't know I recently lost 100lb.  I was finally "skinny", I was finally happy, I was finally the person I thought I always wanted to be.  I mean how could I not be happy when everyone kept telling me how great I looked, and I loved people telling me that because never in my life did I have complete strangers, or anyone for that matter, tell me I looked good.   Well, my parents and close friends did but they have to tell me I look good because that is what parents and friends do, boost our confidence, but in reality we never really believe them anyway.  

But those compliments end, the praise for how hard you worked ends and all you are left with is yourself in your new body.  But you know what didn't change, my brain, it didn't lose anything.   My brain still saw me 100lb heavier.  I would look in the mirror and still see that person whom I hated.   So although I was "skinny" I NEVER saw that in the mirror.   My brain was still that fat person who was teased growing up, who was too scared to go skiing because I had to get weighed at school, who was on diets since elementary school, who never had a boyfriend in high school because who wants the fat girl as their girlfriend, who hid behind doing for everyone else so people would like me.  

You see the brain is a messed up place, thoughts may get misplaced, but the brain doesn't forget.   With the weight loss those negative emotions were put away, hidden in a compartment, but like laundry, even when you put it away, more comes back.   So once the compliments stopped the negative thoughts of not being good enough slowly creep back in one chocolate bar at a time. 

You see I am an emotional eater and I know this about myself.   I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am sad, I eat when I am angry, I just like to eat.  Once those negative emotions came back, so did the emotional eating and as we know, it is a vicious circle.   Eat when we are mad, which then makes us feel sad so we eat because we are sad which then makes us mad, it is a never ending ferris wheel that you want to get off, but the button is broken and you cannot get off.   And since the wheel didn't stop for me the weight came back on.  With some of the weight coming back on it spiraled me out of control, so now this ferris wheel is not only spinning and not stopping, it is getting faster and faster.   Now I didn't want to go out, didn't want to be seen, didn't want to see people who will then be saying, "wow, look at the weight she put back on".    So I hid away and stopped doing things I loved and only did what I needed to do.  I stopped running, I stopped WANTING to be around people, I stopped caring.

So like all vices, you have to hit bottom before you can get that ferris wheel to stop and the button to appear again.   So I am asking you to help me hit that stop button.    I love helping people, I am a giver, if someone needs something I will be there, hence the reason I am constantly volunteering or being volunteered to help with things.   So I am going to write this blog to help myself be honest and change my brain, and hopefully help others who have been or are where I am.   I am going to do this to keep myself accountable to you, and myself, with my hope that it will also help you.   

Let's stop this ferris wheel ride we are on, and jump on the roller coaster, because life is full of ups and downs and we all need that car mate to have the ride of our lives with.  Be that car mate with me, and I will be with you!